In 'Schoolgirls' by Peggy Orenstein, she talks of fears she had in writing her senior thesis, convinced that people would find her out to be a fraud and not the smart person she was thought to be. The passage continues as follows:
"Back then, I went to my adviser and told her of the fears that were choking me.
"You feel like an imposter?" she asked. "Don't worry about it. All smart women feel that way." (Orenstein, p. xxxi)
This statement stood out to me. Thinking about myself and my goals and dreams, I wondered about how it could apply to me. And, how other womyn felt about it.
So I ask. How do you feel about this statement? Do you ever feel like a fraud when it comes to intelligence? Female or male, do you hide your 'smarts'? Does this not apply to you, but you know someone to whom it does? And why does anyone have any grounds to make a comment like this - where does it come from, socially and historically?

and i was quite shocked. this is me. i am this.

i grew up as the "smart girl." fortunately and blessedly, i grew up with a best friend who was quite the same. we understood each other and we were always together. when our friends in middle school "stopped being smart" when it stopped being cool, we were still there. we hung on, clinging to the branches when the tree of smart girls started to shake 'em off.

we graduated valedictorians, most likely to succeed, and we were on our way to the college, career, and life that everybody knew we'd have.

we always knew it wasn't cool for girls to be smart; we expected as much. when i got to college, and i found girls who had actually been told how smart they were, and they believed it 100%.. (think: the mentality of hot guys who really BELIEVE they are hot), i was entirely stunned. i always believed that smart girls had nothing to be arrogant about. in college, i found girls who were engineering majors, smart girls who grew up like me, except they didn't grow up like me, not at all. they were consistently told how wonderful and smart they were, and now they know it. they're on a mission, and somewhere along the way, in order to keep themselves from being shaken violently from the tree, they developed a bitch complex. stunning.

do i feel like an imposter? 95% of the time. i chose a major that leaves me wondering every day how and why i believed i was nearly intelligent enough to do this. every day i am surrounded by hundreds of males who out-distance me in every way possible. they have more experience, they are more involved in the major, their knowledge is much more broad than my own. i don't feel out of place because i am among males; i feel out of place because i wonder who ever thought i was smart enough to be here.

i have lived a double life, and i think that as smart women, all of us have. in one class, the "smart" ones, we are the smart girls. we communicate on a level that baffles other people. we challenge each other, we laugh at inexplicable jokes, we talk about classic nerdy subjects. on this level, i am inadequate. they are all a hundred times smarter than i. on this level, i laugh because i am reaching upward.

in another class, we are the quiet girls. we sit in the corner, headphones on, drawing or writing or reading a book. when somebody asks us a question that we clearly know the answer to, we either shrug as if to say, "who knows, this stuff sucks" or say, "umm... i think it might be this." we keep to ourselves, we smile and answer politely, and they wonder about us. on this level, i am inadequate. they are all a hundred times cooler than i. on this level, i laugh because i am shrinking downward.

i've mentioned it before, but i am waiting for the day on which everybody realizes i'm not as smart as they think i am. maybe i was, before. maybe i had the potential to do everything and be everything. instead, today, i am caught between two worlds, where being smart still isn't cool, and where being smart is so incredibly cool that i will never reach it. i don't get 100's on tests and i don't understand the questions that people ask in my classes.

somedays i long to be the girl who waves her hand dismissedly and says, "i have no idea what you're talking about. just build me a fast computer." i wish i could stop understanding what they are talking about, and understanding the smart jokes, because i will never be enough for myself.

and if i'm never smart enough for myself, how on earth can i expect to be smart enough for anybody else?